So I haven't posted in a while. Week 3 and 4 were the hardest time I have had lately. I was depressed, angry, crying, and completely felt like I could not do this. There were several planned activities eating out with friends. The first time I did good. Took my shake, had beef broth with me, and did well avoiding their "devil's food". I made light of it by taking pictures of what I couldn't have. 

WARNING! DON'T LOOK IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GET HUNGRY!

Then it all feel apart. I think that during the first two weeks, I was riding the high. Feeling good because I was doing something good for myself, and feeling really optimistic. Well, then because of changes at work, stress with the diet, and some depression, I hit bottom, I won't say rock bottom, but I was sinking. I contacted the weight loss center and messaged the Nurse Practitioner I had seen. She was great. We adjusted some meds and I started on an anti-depressant. Now it takes a lot of courage for me to admit this. I have always fought to "be normal", not go on meds, and be able to handle things on my own. But, I needed help. Plus, she told me it would help with the food cravings. And Lord knows, I was having cravings! Of course, I gave in. 
Now during this two weeks I did manage to make myself go to the gym. I started with 30 minutes of cardio and some strength training. I have in the past three weeks worked up to an hour of cardio at least three times a week, and strength training twice a week. I really think this is the only thing that helped me maintain my weight during the hardest two weeks. So I definitely want to keep it up! 

I have lost another 4 lbs since getting back on the program for another week. I am starting week 6 now and feeling better with the antidepressant. I am smiling and can see things a little more clearly now. 

Pretty simple actually! I switched this recipe up from my last one. But it still has my favorite things, Beeswax and Honey!  I wanted something fresh and light, too. So, I used citrus essential oils. I bought some nice little tins to put my lip balm in, that way I can give it as gifts! 

Melt all the ingredients except the essential oils in a double boiler. Remove from the heat source and add in the essential oils. Pour into small pots! 

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I am going to give away some of this great lip balm! So Pin, Tweet, Share, my blog post and four people will win some All Natural Citrus Lip Balm! 

This was a snowy day, keep me from raiding the fridge, quick and easy, fun task for the afternoon. 
I have an addictive hobby. I make lotions, soaps, and lip balms. Normally small batches and just for fun kinds of things to share with friends. The fun thing is that since I now have bee hives, I will get to start using my own honey and beeswax! So I started thinking! 

Hmmmm......lip balm....For this recipe I used beeswax I had purchased, but I do have some ready, I just wanted to go ahead and use up what I have purchased first. I still have some local honey, and by local, I mean from my mom and stepdad's yard! ​

2 Tablespoons Beeswax
2 Tablespoons Coconut Oil
2 Tablespoons Mango Butter
1/2 Teaspoon Vitamin E oil
1/2 Teaspoon honey

15 drops Lavender essential oil
30 drops Lime essential oil

Using a double boiler or glass bowl in a sauce pan, melt  first 5 ingredients until fully melted and mixed together. Remove from heat and add the oils. If adding to chap it applicators you can use a pipette to add to small pots or containers. This is a pretty soft recipe for lip balm, You could add beeswax to make it a harder, waxier version. This version ends up being like a thick and creamy heavy butter consistency. 

This balm will be great for dry chapped lips, soothing and moisturizing. ​

Full disclosure. I am an Amazon Affiliate. So following the above link and purchasing from Amazon, Could mean that I could make a few coins to help keep my blogging adventure going! 

Tell me what you think or what your favorite lip balm is!

So this is Day 6. It has been a stressful week and I don't normally use stress as an excuse for anything. I try to roll with the punches! But, changes and issues at work have been at an all time high this past week, family issues abound, I am nervous waiting to hear about grad school, and my mind thinks I am hungry! I want a dadgum cheeseburger, already. I could devour a steak in seconds and polish off a pizza in nothing flat. But, what would I accomplish. I would just feel guilty, my stomach would hurt, and would I not negate all the effort I've put in? 

Let me start at the beginning. The days have not been that hard. Drink a shake every three hours, and have a soup midday. The evening are the hardest. I WANT to CHEW! I am not even really hungry. I can recognize that. A couple nights I cheated with cucumber slices. Then the fatigue set in. So the dietitian told me I could have some broth and  pickles. Of course, it can be difficult once I start looking forward to that broth and pickles and want more broth and pickles than I should have! Lord I sound, like I'm pregnant and having cravings!

Today has been one of my first days at home where I was tempted to eat. I've had three boys here, I baked them sugar cookies. I DID NOT EAT ANY. That was hard. I popped them pop corn. I DID NOT EAT ANY. That was hard. I DID drink some water, I DID eat a pickle, which technically is NOT on the diet, but I was afraid if I broke down on the cookies or popcorn I wouldn't be able to stop. At least with a pickle, I could stop.

So because I was feeling so tempted today, I tried to find some other things to do. I made lip balm! Lavender n' Lime, with beeswax, coconut oil, mango oil, honey,  and vitamin E, I'll share that recipe in another post!  You can find that post here! I also decided to blog/journal about the why I am hungry today! 

I really think it's because I haven't stayed busy. I could have been more active, but who really wants to spend all day cleaning, and doing laundry? Plus, it's cold and snowy outside, (I am really ready for Summer) and I don't want to go to the basement to work on refinishing the dresser I am working on turning into a wine rack and small buffet. I think maybe tomorrow I'll work on that. Listen to me. I sound like Scarlet O'Hara. Now if only I could get her 17" waist while eating Krispy Kreme and Cinnabon.

I have found that the warm soups are more satisfying and fulfilling psychologically and I look forward to having that broth in the evenings. Because of my cravings, I had the broth earlier than normal today.
I even had to turn down an offer of Chic-Fil-A for supper! But, I did it!  

Two days ago I went to the Wake Forest Baptist Weight-loss Center. I met with the "fitness guru", the doctor, the behavior therapist, and the "food nazi" (registered dietitian). Okay, the fitness guru, I will probably cuss under my breath more than once. The food nazi, and I say that with all respect, is just doing what I am asking her to do! 
So the plan is Optifast shakes and soups. My initial goal is 50 lbs. My weight yesterday was 216. I am laying it all on the line here, folks. I am not Jaba the Hut fat, but at 5'6", I do qualify as morbidly obese. I am tired all the time. SOB if I try to do too much activity, and depressed about it all. 
I want to lower my blood pressure and avoid medication, as well as, lower my blood sugar and cholesterol. 

So after answering questionnaires, spending 4 1/2 hours with experts. and spilling my heart to them, I find I am a binge eater with a food addiction. These are not easy things to admit. No one wants to admit they have addictive behaviors, or any behaviors that they can not control. I am a "control" kind of person. To admit that I don't have control is not easy. But, I don't have control over this. I want a cheeseburger, REALLY bad. Actually, two or three cheeseburgers. I have gone to McDonalds, and ordered a two cheeseburger combo meal, large size with fries AND a filet of fish sandwich. Now, sometimes I don't eat the Fish sandwich or all the fries. That makes me feel better, Like I have been good by leaving some of the fries or part/all of the third sandwich. But, then other times, I eat it all. Even though it makes me feel miserable; guilty, stomach hurts because of my food allergies, and nauseous. And then I am immediately thinking about my next meal. I think about my next meal before I have started the one I am on.........

If I am not thinking about my next meal, I am thinking about starting a diet, or feeling guilty for messing up the one I was supposed to be on, or trying to find the next one. Food, the amount, the kind, the what, where, when, how, is what is on my mind most of the time. It is mentally and physically exhausting. I look forward to what I can accomplish when I am not consumed by food.  

My neighbor runs. A lot. I don't. Ever. As in, if you see me running, bring the code cart, cause I'm either running to one, or I will be the code. As in, if you see me running, you better run too, cause something is after me, kind of never. I saw a shirt that said "Exercize? I thought you said EXTRA FRIES!" That is MY KIND of shirt!
I'm fluffy, chunky, soft, and got a little extra to hold on to, if you get my drift. I've lost weight and found it so many times Mattel is going to name a Yo-Yo after me.
It's truly a love hate relationship with food. On one side there is a vivid, steamy love affair. I crave the luxurious taste, the living breathing textures, and the full feeling after consuming the delicious morsels. On the other side, there is a fiery spiteful good for no one relationship. We bring out the worst in each other. Food brings out my inability trust myself, my inability to limit myself, my inability to control  a situation.  I bring out food's ability to make me fat, diabetic, hypertensive, and have high cholesterol. It's a high risk, toxic relationship, and we need a divorce. 

So, I am pretty lucky, I work for a hospital that has weight management program. Lots of my coworkers are having success with it. So I figured why not. It's a pretty comprehensive program. They use Optifast products, with doctors, dietitians, behavioral therapists, and fitness experts. There are weekly check-ins. One of my goals in the program is to journal. So I though perhaps writing my journey down here would be good. Plus, if I actually do decide to share it, maybe it will help some one. 

My plan is to share my journey, my hard days when I fail. my good days when I am successful, and maybe then start a healthy recipe section when I start adding real food back in! It will be a complete lifestyle change for me and you are getting in on the beginning! Start the journey with me!  I will share my problems and my personal struggles. 

I am pretty much a sucker for JJ Watt and the Houston Texans. This North Carolina girl loves her Texans. Plus, JJ has some pretty inspiring quotes. So I may have to throw a couple of them out there every now and then!

Full disclosure, I am an amazon affiliate, links could lead links on for my affiliate site. Blogging takes time and effort and if I could make a little change, it helps! Thanks for helping!